Magical Mystery Vagina

I'm straying from the "What the hell did my mother buy this week" format to bring you a pregnancy update that I recently discovered.

As a part of prepping for delivery (yes, I'm still hoping that my Peanut will manage to actually make his way out of me, and that invites to his Bar Mitzvah will not have to be addressed to "#1 Hannah's Uterus") I decided to trim and generally create a pleasing.... how shall I put this.... Lady Garden (term: courtesy of The Bloggess).

By my eleventy-billionth month of pregnancy, I'm fairly used to not being able to see my feet, but I was shocked to discover that the only way I could actually BE SURE my vagina was still present and accounted for was for me to set up a complex series of mirrors and lighting equipment. Of all the things they warn you about when you get pregnant, very few people mention the fact that, oh, by the way, if you're thinking of continuing to groom yourself like you've always done, you might want to also consider wrangling unicorns and getting a few leprechauns to do your housecleaning... because that ship has SAILED.

Rube Goldberg could not create a machine complex enough to help me out at this point.

I'm fairly certain that my Womanly Wonder is still there, if based only on the fact that eventually I will have to give birth, and I'm told my Bits play a significant role in that process. So... even if it's on some sort of strange sabbatical, or if it's playing some kind of Schrodinger's game where whether or not it's there depends on whether or not I can actually OBSERVE my business, it has to return at some point, right?

I'm going to have to take all of this on faith. Or else have my waxer verify its continued existence. Maybe I'll suddenly receive photos of my Darling Delta standing on the rims of volcanoes in Hawaii, or wearing floral shorts near the Grand Canyon, with captions of "Wish You Were Here."

Until then, everything between my bellybutton and my knees is like the Bermuda Triangle... in that I don't know what's going on... not in the way that people can fly planes and sail ships in there and never come out again.

...I feel like that would be a different issue entirely.

Without further ado, let's get into the thick of it, shall we?

The following are some examples of items provided to me by, let's just call her "Grandma." Grandma has been so excited since we found out we were pregnant, that she has picked up a few choice things.

For your enjoyment, please view the following:

 That is a giant blue scarf. As in, it's approximately 6' long. That's important for a baby born in June to have! I mean, what if his father and I decide to participate in the Iditarod, and can only bring ONE item of clothing in which to swaddle our baby? Giant blue scarf?: Check!

Let me start off with this: I don't take astrology seriously. But, even so, it would be nice to have the CORRECT sign on my baby. I'm not even sure when a Pisces is born. And what's with the frilly shoes? What's with shoes AT ALL?! It's going to be MONTHS before he can wear these!! You know what I need, diapers. Can you just get me some diapers, mom?

Aaaaaaaaaaand I guess not. "What's that" you ask? It's a white dress. With a hoodie. It's a white terrycloth hoody dress for my son. He is going to be the prettiest little drag queen in our Mommy&Me class.

This is a pink hat with pink booties. I guess they're supposed to complete the outfit with the dress? I'm not really sure anymore.

I'm not entirely sure what the hell happened here. I think she thinks I windsurf on my off time. I live near DC... and I hate the beach. PERFECT!!

This is a rat. Mr. Rat is covered in what Mommy likes to call "Wee little choking hazards." WHAT FUN!

I am actually sorely tempted to keep this little wifebeater, and get pictures of our son taken with teeny little bottles of Bud, and a toy shotgun. But, I hear that's child abuse. Couldn't you just see a little infant with a stick-on tattoo that reads "I <3 Mom"? Wow... ok, maybe I should get rid of this before my son whips out a banjo...

I don't even..... at this point in day, I had given up. You have to understand that what you're seeing is just a SAMPLE of the things she brought with her. This looks like a piece of cheese mated with an octopus. I'm not sure what's going on here. In fact, if YOU have a theory, please leave it in the comments. All ideas are welcome.

You won't win one of these sparkling pieces of..... product. However, if you beat a path to the thrift store for our local animal shelter, you might be able to pick them up yourself!!

Good luck, and happy thrifting!

In The Beginning, There Were Registries...

When my husband and I found out 8 months ago that we were pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had hoped it would happen relatively easily, but after years of being a career woman and actively trying NOT to get pregnant, I wasn't sure how well I would do in reverse. So when, after just 3 months of trying, a little pink line landed directly on my testing strip, we were thrilled!

We did all the usual things of reading up on vitamins to finding the best OB for us. With those struggles behind us, and with the birth of our son looming ever closer, we decided to set up our baby registry to let everyone know all the things we thought we needed. Most people were happy to oblige!

This is not the blog about those people.

This is the blog about the people who went off the registry. Not just off the registry, but off the reservation entirely, and bought our son things that, well, let's just say that living in the South has taught me how to smile politely through the hand-knitted pink sweaters, and the onesies with "Capricorn" written all over then (our son will be a Gemini). This is the blog about the wonderful people who love us, and show us by walking straight into thrift stores and buying baby clothes by the pound. There will be pictures, oh yes. And horror stories. And possibly therapy.

Enjoy!