I'm straying from the "What the hell did my mother buy this week" format to bring you a pregnancy update that I recently discovered.
As a part of prepping for delivery (yes, I'm still hoping that my Peanut will manage to actually make his way out of me, and that invites to his Bar Mitzvah will not have to be addressed to "#1 Hannah's Uterus") I decided to trim and generally create a pleasing.... how shall I put this.... Lady Garden (term: courtesy of The Bloggess).
By my eleventy-billionth month of pregnancy, I'm fairly used to not being able to see my feet, but I was shocked to discover that the only way I could actually BE SURE my vagina was still present and accounted for was for me to set up a complex series of mirrors and lighting equipment. Of all the things they warn you about when you get pregnant, very few people mention the fact that, oh, by the way, if you're thinking of continuing to groom yourself like you've always done, you might want to also consider wrangling unicorns and getting a few leprechauns to do your housecleaning... because that ship has SAILED.
Rube Goldberg could not create a machine complex enough to help me out at this point.
I'm fairly certain that my Womanly Wonder is still there, if based only on the fact that eventually I will have to give birth, and I'm told my Bits play a significant role in that process. So... even if it's on some sort of strange sabbatical, or if it's playing some kind of Schrodinger's game where whether or not it's there depends on whether or not I can actually OBSERVE my business, it has to return at some point, right?
I'm going to have to take all of this on faith. Or else have my waxer verify its continued existence. Maybe I'll suddenly receive photos of my Darling Delta standing on the rims of volcanoes in Hawaii, or wearing floral shorts near the Grand Canyon, with captions of "Wish You Were Here."
Until then, everything between my bellybutton and my knees is like the Bermuda Triangle... in that I don't know what's going on... not in the way that people can fly planes and sail ships in there and never come out again.
...I feel like that would be a different issue entirely.
